She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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