i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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