At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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