Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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