A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
