I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
