actually, I'm a sock model
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
