it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
