A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
