I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
