Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
