He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize