I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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