i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
