all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
