Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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