i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
someone owes me an orgasm
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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