i was born a porn star she said
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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