I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just had sex on a roof
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need to calm my uterus...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
