Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
