haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
