I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
