I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
