I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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