one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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