I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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