He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there is glitter all over my balls
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