sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
