How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
