i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
