i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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