Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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