Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
