I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
