If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I want her autograph on my taint
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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