i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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