Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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