When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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