my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He felt like a one man threesome
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
