fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
