So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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