my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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