I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
we're so committed to being not committed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Someone signed my nipple.
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