i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
