she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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