I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
