How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
