1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
