I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
