Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
