Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My ATM looks so different sober.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
