two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
