why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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