you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
