Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
accomplished twins. life is a go
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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