My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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