dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
