Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
