why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
